Marriage as God Intended It

A mother of twin boys who were not yet ready for prime time talking tells of an incident that is illustrative. As the two boys were standing together Boy A said some impossible to understand gibberish, but complete with inflection, enunciation (apparently,) and even hand gestures as would accompany adult speech. He waved his hand and pointed toward the door as if he wanted to go that direction. Boy B said, “no” and then uttered his own version of unintelligible speech and pointed toward the couch. Boy A repeated his behavior, pointing toward the door, to which Boy B repeated his behavior and pointed toward the couch. This happened a third time after which Boy A sighed, gave up, and the two of them went to the couch.

Such incidents have played out throughout human history, often on a small scale like the story above. But the same type of thing happens in all human relations all the way up to the grandest scale imaginable. The actors may not speak gibberish, but they have differences of opinion, and the fact is that someone is going to be in charge. Sometimes that is agreed upon, and sometimes it is not, but someone is going to be in charge.

A Christian woman asked me some time ago how she was supposed to show herself in subjection to her husband in her marriage. I was recently a guest at the wedding of a young couple, and it brought her question to mind. She was asking in reference to Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, being himself the savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything.” God’s intention is for the husband to “be in charge” and the wife to be in subjection. So, how does a Christian woman display her subjection in her marriage.

Modern feminism likes to believe that the Christian view of marriage is that the wife should spend her time barefoot, slaving in the kitchen and giving birth to children. The fiction novel, The Handmaid’s Tale, has popularized this concept. The Bible has not, nor has it ever attempted nor intended to do so.

By definition, in a relationship based on subjugation, we expect to see a subjugator, and a subjugatee, that is, a ruler and a subject, or one who has authority, and one who is held under authority. But a Biblical marriage is not a relationship based on subjugation. If we are looking to see a husband giving orders and a wife dutifully submitting to them, we are not looking for what God expects of a marriage relationship. We would do better to go to a feudal system and observe the behavior between a lord and a serf.

The concept of marriage was instituted by God in Genesis 2:18, where God said, "It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him." God made a woman from the rib of the man and brought her to the man, and the man said beginning in verse 23, "This is now bone of by bone and flesh of my flesh: . . . Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." The Biblical concept of marriage is based on necessary complements, not subjugation. That is why God did not make just a man, but a man and a woman.

A complement completes. God created a woman because a man by himself is not complete. A man by himself, in fact, is the only thing that God created that He claimed was not good. It takes woman to complete what God wants a man to be.

A man should forsake other human entanglements, and cleave (adhere, cling, stick fast) to his wife, as the wife should cleave to her husband and they should be as though they were one person. One is not complete without the other, they must be joined. This is the basis of a Biblical marriage, not subjugation. What we might see in a relationship based on subjugation, is not what we will see in a relationship based on Biblical teaching of necessary complements.

Further, it is necessary to understand the importance of love in the marriage relationship. Paul tells the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, Colossians 3:19, and Ephesians 5:25-28. So while the Bible (thus God) does tell the wife to be subject to her husband, Col 3:18, Eph. 5:22, this husband to whom she is subject is required by God to be a man who loves her in the way that Christ loved the church which was a way that led Him to die for it, Eph. 5:25. He is to love her as he loves himself, Eph. 5:28-29. He should take care of her, he should watch out for her just as he takes care of and watches out for himself.

We learn some things about this love between them in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love is not boastful, is not arrogant, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; rejoices not in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” If we observed a feudal lord treating his serf with the attitudes inherent in this list, we would never deduce that the serf was a slave or a servant. Most likely our conclusion would be that the actual serf was instead a son, or a brother, or maybe, depending on age, even a father. How else could we explain the respect and yes, the love, being shown?

A Christian wife dutifully following orders given out by her husband would not be a display of her subjection to him. A Christian husband would not give out orders for his wife to perform. He is kind. He suffers long. He is not arrogant. He seeks not his own. However, a Christian wife lovingly responding to requests from her husband would be a display of her subjection, just as a Christian husband lovingly responding to requests from his wife would be a display of his love.

However, God did assign the man to be the head of the wife and the wife to be subject to her husband, just as the church is subject to Christ. Note that Christ never requires anything of the church which is not in the best interest of the church. He gave His life so there could be a church, which is to say that He sacrificed himself so the church could be eternally saved. What an example for the husband to follow.

This means there are going to be times when she says her piece and points to the door, and he says his piece and points to the couch. Hopefully this will be after satisfactory discussion. Maybe the interchange will happen two or three times, but the point will come when she will have to sigh and head to the couch.

It is best if mutual agreement has been reached that the couch is really the best option. This should be because kindness prevails over arrogance. Patience prevails over seeking one's own, and no one has been provoked or behaved themselves unseemly. But someone has to be in charge, and God has appointed the man to that role.

Also, our best wishes to the newlyweds.